Disappointment and Comfort

Tom and I were sad to hear on Friday that our first gestational carrier had a negative pregnancy test result. We are sad to report that on Monday we learned that our second gestational carrier also had a negative result. We know that this is in God's hands and that we need to accept God's time and God's plan. Just because we believe that to be true does not mean that it is easy to implement.

This is an odd sort of loss... because we lost something that didn't really exist yet. We lost the idea of "May babies" arriving around the same time as our niece's baby. We lost the idea that the cost of this process would be mostly financial. Mostly, we lost a naïveté that comforted us and made us believe that a successful outcome was almost inevitable.

Our agency has been great about reaching out and remaining positive. We have two more chances to transfer embryos that were created using Tom's genetics without additional cost. We have one more chance to transfer embryos that were created using my genetics without additional cost. The agency claims that the success rate for a the second transfer actually increases. That is good news but we still feel more nervous than we did before.

When Tom and I created this blog at the beginning of this process we discussed the possibility that putting such a public face on this would mean that both our good news and bad news would have to be public. Even if we didn't publish the bad news, the absence of any news would be a public statement. It was our thought then that sharing our joy would add to our happiness and that sharing our disappointment would give us many shoulders to lean on. I'm happy to report that this has been true.

Our second chances happen in about 30 to 45 days. Instead of May babies we get to hope for July babies. We remain positive. I've been praying a lot recently. My NRSV titles Isaiah 40 as "God's People Are Comforted." (Maybe this is the same in most versions.) This chapter has, indeed, been comforting to me. I know, I know, we are not Jewish exiles in Babylon... but still, the words of comfort mixed in with God's role in creation is just what the doctor ordered.