Tom and I were married on August 2, 2014. We have thoroughly enjoyed our time as newlyweds. In some ways, our relationship has not changed much since we were married. On the other hand, the spiritual covenant and legal status we received that day have changed our sense of being in ways that were not all together expected.
The love that we have for each other and the life that we lead, along with four cats, in our little house perched on a hill in San Diego is all that anyone could ask for. We have meaningful relationships with our Custer Family on the East Coast, our Stender Family in the Midwest, and our Hubbard Family on the West Coast. We are surrounded by friends, old and new, tangible and cyber, and are blessed to be a part of a loving church community.
As many newlyweds often do, we have decided to try to expand our family. Tom and I will be flying to Mexico in May to start an international surrogacy adventure. It is our hope that in the Spring or Summer of 2016 we will welcome new Stender-Custers into the big, beautiful world.
If our lives are so complete and if our love is so real, why ask for more? For us, the answer is just an extension of the question. It is because our lives are so full of love that we feel that we have love to give to some new, unborn souls. The concept of two gay dads is old hat for some, and a novelty for others. Who will be the dad? Who will be the mom? Why not surrogacy? Why not adoption?
It is worth mentioning that straight couples may not be asked why they would choose to expand their families one way over another, as much as same-sex couples might be. It is also worth mentioning, that those questions (at least so far) seem completely normal and legitimate. If it were a friend of mine, I would be curious too!
So here is our attempt to answer a few questions, right off the bat.
1. Who will be the dad? We both will. It is possible that Tom might be genetically related to a new bundle of joy and it is also possible that I might be genetically related to a new bundle of joy. The genetics of any future children won't be a secret (have you seen us?!) but they will also be irrelevant. There will be two dads.
2. Who will be the mom? There actually won't be a mom (unless you count me!). An egg donor will donate her eggs and a gestational carrier will, God willing, bring them to term.
3. Why surrogacy over adoption? We have come to realize that this is a deeply personal question and one that many people feel very strongly about. As mentioned above, we do not believe that genetics determine relationship. For us, we decided on surrogacy for what we think is a very practical reason. Neither of us are getting any younger and surrogacy (is sometimes) a shorter process than adoption.
Now that we've answered some practical questions, I think that there is still one big question that needs to be answered...
4. Why have you decided to share your experience so openly? My friend Melissa always cautions the rest of our girlfriends not to tell too many people too soon when they get a positive pregnancy because there is always a chance that joy can turn into sorrow. I actually think that this is good advice. But we will be flying to Mexico next month and don't want to (a) be coy or (b) fly covertly under everyone's noses. We realize that what Melissa cautions is just as relevant for us as it is for any couple trying to conceive.
Our joy, too, could easily turn into sorrow, which leads to the main reason to share our adventure with all of you: we believe in the power of prayer. Please pray for our journey, our egg donor, our gestational carriers, and our doctors!
I hope to update this blog at least monthly. The cats can't wait to have new friends!
