Creative God, Breath of All Life

We were so naive when we had our first embryo transfer. "One, two, three, or four babies?" was our question. "Zero," was our answer. We have done so much more mental preparation this time around. We have prayed for acceptance. That being said, I will admit that even though I know that bargaining with God is not theologically sound, I still promised that one positive result is all I would need. I assured Jesus that I would not be greedy.

We woke up on December 14 and immediately e-mailed our surrogacy agency.

"Good morning! Today is a really big day for us. We will either be very happy or very sad. Please send us our test results as soon as possible. Thanks so much, Tom and John"

Four of our embryos were transferred on December 3. Two with Tom's genes were transferred into our surrogate, Maria Antonia, and two with my genes were transferred into our other surrogate, Natividad. We got an e-mail back letting us know that we should have our results around 6:00 p.m. Mexico time (4:00 p.m. Pacific time.) We tried to keep our minds occupied but it was hard to focus on anything but the impending e-mail.

Around 3:00 p.m. Pacific we received an e-mail from Lu, the international coordinator, letting us know that we would have to wait until the next morning for the results. She just talked to the doctor and there had been "technical difficulties" at the lab. She hoped we understood. I wrote back immediately and said that I did not understand and that I needed an explanation. What is the meaning of "technical difficulty?" I'm usually a bit more even-keeled when it comes to things like this, but it was Tom who was sending understanding and thankful e-mail responses. I couldn't handle it. I needed an explanation! (Sorry Lu!)

Lu explained that she couldn't reach the doctor but she gave me his number and said that I could try to call him. Hmm. Okay. Well. Hmm. Yes. Okay, what did I have to lose? I dialed the international code and then dialed the number. "Hola?" I froze. "Inglese?" I said. "No," he said. "Clinica?," I asked. "Si," the voice on the other end replied.

Oh my.

I inputted what I wanted to say into Google translate and tried to read it aloud into the phone. Finally, the voice on the other end of the phone said, "speak slow in English." (The doctor's English, it turns out, is pretty wonderful.) I explained who we were and he asked me to WhatsApp him my e-mail address so he could send me the results as soon as they came in. I remembered to ask about the delay. "What is the technical difficulty," I asked. "Slow. The lab is slow today," he said.

Perfect! I understand a delay. "Slow" sounds much more reasonable than "technical difficulty!"

We made contact on WhatsApp and then I waited. We were supposed to attend a party but I couldn't do it. I kept staring at my computer, willing an e-mail to appear. At 7:39 p.m. I finally WhatsApp'd the doctor again. "Any news yet?"

"Yes. I have results. Unfortunately was negative. I'm sorry," he said.

Oh no. This was our second try. And it was another negative. Why was this happening?

"For both?" I texted. "Two women?"

"Surrogate Natividad," he typed. "Who is name of other surrogate?"

"Maria Antonia," I said. There was still hope.

Okay. We still have a chance. Tom didn't even know I was texting the doctor. It is 7:45. Tom was putting together some supper in the kitchen. I'm waiting. I'm waiting. "One moment please," the doctor writes. Should I tell Tom I'm waiting? Should I just hear the news first and let him down easily? I tell him. "Mine is negative. We are waiting on yours." Tom emerges from the kitchen and sits down next to me on the couch. We wait for the response.

"The result is positive. Congratulations."

I have never loved emojis more in my life.

Tom and I hug. I can't explain our emotion. We were, and are, full of intense joy. We are going to be dads! We also just lost any immediate opportunity for me to be a biological parent. I truly think God will forgive us a small part of human emotion that can grieve for one thing while simultaneously being SO CRAZY HAPPY about something else.

The IVF mommy-blogs call the period in between the transfer and the results, the 2ww (the two week wait.) This is a time full of anxiety. On one level, we get to be part of an almost universal human experience:  waiting for new life. On another level, we belong to a smaller and less universal club. This club involves investing emotional and significant financial resources. In this club, one cycle or "try" may realistically be the only chance you get.

That's why I pulled out all of the stops. I followed the Roman and Episcopal calendars and prayed to Francis Xavier, John of Damascus, Clement of Alexandria, Nicholas, Ambrose, The Immaculate Conception, Juan Diego, Karl Barth, Thomas Merton, Damasus, Our Lady of Guadalupe, Lucy, and John of the Cross on their respective days. I prayed to other favorite saints and angels and ancestors for intercession. I'm sure Tom's parents and my grandmas were very happy to help out!

We lit our menorah. "Blessed are You, Lord our G-d, King of the universe, who performed miracles for our ancestors in those days, at this time." That was very comforting. Please bring us a Hanukkah miracle!

We lit our Advent wreath and these are the words that I found most comforting. I know they will stay with us forever:

"Creative God, breath of all life
Through whom all things
are created and sustained;
all sons and daughters
flocks and herds,
all birds of the air
and fish of the sea
You walked this earth
as child and Creator
You touched the soil
quenched your thirst
embraced this world
brought life and light
love and laughter
into dark and death-filled lives
Creative God, breath of all life
Through whom all things
are created and sustained
We bring to you our sacrifice
of a contrite and willing heart"

Final thoughts:  Thank you for all of your support. We realize that first trimesters and all trimesters come with risk. We understand that one hurdle leads to another. As the doctor mentioned, our HCG levels are very high. Some say that indicates twins. Others say not much can be gleaned from that information. Who knows? Maybe another hurdle. He also mentioned that we will reevaluate in ten days. Time will tell. We wanted you to share in the joy and hope of this moment. Again, we wait. I think we may just love Advent (and Hanukkah!) in a different way for the rest of our lives.

I know that bargaining with God didn't make this happen but I do think that talking with God made the wait easier. We are so thankful for the spark of life that God has given to us and for our surrogate for being so kind to keep it safe for us.

Disappointment and Comfort

Tom and I were sad to hear on Friday that our first gestational carrier had a negative pregnancy test result. We are sad to report that on Monday we learned that our second gestational carrier also had a negative result. We know that this is in God's hands and that we need to accept God's time and God's plan. Just because we believe that to be true does not mean that it is easy to implement.

This is an odd sort of loss... because we lost something that didn't really exist yet. We lost the idea of "May babies" arriving around the same time as our niece's baby. We lost the idea that the cost of this process would be mostly financial. Mostly, we lost a naïveté that comforted us and made us believe that a successful outcome was almost inevitable.

Our agency has been great about reaching out and remaining positive. We have two more chances to transfer embryos that were created using Tom's genetics without additional cost. We have one more chance to transfer embryos that were created using my genetics without additional cost. The agency claims that the success rate for a the second transfer actually increases. That is good news but we still feel more nervous than we did before.

When Tom and I created this blog at the beginning of this process we discussed the possibility that putting such a public face on this would mean that both our good news and bad news would have to be public. Even if we didn't publish the bad news, the absence of any news would be a public statement. It was our thought then that sharing our joy would add to our happiness and that sharing our disappointment would give us many shoulders to lean on. I'm happy to report that this has been true.

Our second chances happen in about 30 to 45 days. Instead of May babies we get to hope for July babies. We remain positive. I've been praying a lot recently. My NRSV titles Isaiah 40 as "God's People Are Comforted." (Maybe this is the same in most versions.) This chapter has, indeed, been comforting to me. I know, I know, we are not Jewish exiles in Babylon... but still, the words of comfort mixed in with God's role in creation is just what the doctor ordered.

Not Quite Time to Celebrate Yet

Today has been a day we have been anxiously awaiting. Our gestational carriers had their blood work done this morning to see if they had positive pregnancies. John's carrier, unfortunately, had a negative test. She is willing to try again in approximately 45 days and we are very grateful that she is willing to give it another chance... probably some time in November.

Tom's carrier has a low positive. What does that mean? It means that hCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) levels are checked to determine pregnancy. The amount of hCG in a woman's blood is one way that a pregnancy can be detected.

hCG under 5mlU/ml:  Negative, not pregnant

hCG between 5mlU/ml - 25mlU/ml:  Uncertain; possible pregnancy but not definitive

hCG over 25mlU/ml: You are pregnant!

Tom's carrier came in at 5.9 and will be tested again on Monday.

Here is some information I found very helpful:

"As soon as an embryo begins to implant and its root system (trophoblast) begins to invade the uterine lining, it starts to release hCG into the recipient's blood stream. About 12 days after egg retrieval, 7 days after a blastocyst transfer, the woman should have a quantitative beta hCG blood pregnancy test performed. With gestational surrogacy and frozen transfers, no hCG "trigger shot" is administered, so the detection of any amount of hCG in the blood is regarded as significant."

Click here to read the full article.

We may be popping champagne on Monday. Maybe we won't.

We give thanks for these things:

We are thankful for the hope brought to us by the embryos that did not grow.

We are thankful for the possibility that Tom's carrier will end up with more concrete positive news on Monday.

We are thankful that we have another chance with John's carrier.

We are thankful that we have another chance with Tom's carrier if Monday does not bring us the news we hope to hear.

We are thankful for all of your support!

The two embryos on top were John's that did not make it. The two on the bottom are Tom's, that at this moment in time, remain beautiful possibilities.

Day 5 Embryo Update

I spoke with the director of our agency in Mexico yesterday. Monday was 'Day 5' and we got the report around 5:00 p.m. Tom had two high grade embryos that were frozen yesterday. John had three high grade embryos that were frozen yesterday.

Tom has four more embryos still hanging out in their lab dish. John has one more embryo doing the same thing. We will find out their fate today. These slow pokes may simply not make it. The biologist will see if any are possibly viable. If any are, they will be frozen today but will just be graded lower.

One of our gestational surrogates should be ready for implantation on Friday. The other one should be ready about three days later; probably Monday. These dates aren't set in stone. The doctors will make that decision on the day the surrogates come in. If all goes well and the surrogates get their transfers in a timely manner, we should find out if we have positive pregnancies around September 1st.

We are hopeful, nervous, confident, and cautious.

This is a picture of us with our great-nephew, Isaac. Who knows, maybe Isaac and his little brother Dominic may be getting new first cousins once removed around May 1st!

Day 3 Embryo Update

We received our day 3 report this afternoon. We know that we did have a total of 13 embryos and now we have a total of 11 embryos. Unfortunately, we don't know how the 11 are split between Tom and John.

It could be:  Tom 8 & John 3; or Tom 7 & John 4; or Tom 6 & John 5. The first scenario, Tom with 8 and John with 3, worries us a bit. 3 is a small number on day 3. But we don't know if that is the case and overall, these are good numbers.

We will get our next report on Monday and hopefully find out about the transfers. It might be that a fresh transfer will happen right away or it might be that they are all frozen while we wait for the surrogates to be ready.

We will keep you posted! 

We Can't Help But Count Our Eggs Before They Hatch

Tom and I were e-mailing back and forth yesterday about some house stuff. We usually text but we will occasionally e-mail. I was working in another tab on my browser but saw that I had an email notification in the gmail tab. I assumed it was Tom. Instead it was our agency.

"Very Good News. Yestarday was the retrival , the doctor takes 18 eggs, 15 mature. Thomas 8 embryos on day 1. Jonh 5 embryos on day 1. Tomorrow we will see how continue."

(Note, their English is MUCH better than my Spanish.)

I was shocked. We originally thought that our egg retrieval was on Wednesday but then we were told that it had been moved to Friday. By the time we were even paying attention, the eggs had been retrieved and fertilized! We talked, we texted, we had a mini-celebration.

Something new had been created. On day one (Wednesday) the embryos consisted of one cell. This was already day two! The little sparks already have a few cells and are hanging out in a dish in a lab. Day 5 (Sunday) is a big day. Day 5 is usually when the embryos will break out of their shells. This is also the day that they will be transferred into their gestational surrogates in the hope of pregnancy. This short video will explain that:

1/3 to 1/2 of these little embryos will statistically not make it to day 5. It is possible that none of them will. This is a really precarious time. I told Tom that the saying "don't count your eggs until they have hatched" has never been more appropriate. 

That being said, we can't help but count our embryos every day and pray for good news. 

Here is a picture of Tom still smiling after being questioned by a federal agent about wiring funds to Mexico. He looks suspicious! And handsome!

Conception in Cancún

I said that I would blog about our journey at least monthly so I didn't want July to slip away without posting something. July was a stressful month. My mom has now been in the hospital for almost three months and our surrogacy journey has been a waiting game.

June 14th came and went. This was the date when our egg donor should have been done taking her birth control pills so we could wait for her cycle to start. We exchanged a few e-mails with our agency about paperwork around that date but the director of the agency didn't want to e-mail us an update. He wanted to talk via Skype. Tom was convinced this was great news. I was convinced of the opposite.

Tom got home from work early and we waited for a Skype call at the appointed time... and we kept waiting... and waiting. Finally we get an e-mail from the coordinator. The  director (who was supposed to be calling) didn't have internet access because he was traveling in Argentina. He called the coordinator in Mexico, who then e-mailed us. We rescheduled the call for the next evening.

Tom had a business dinner so I took the call on my own. It was not great news. Nothing had happened. First, the egg donor forgot to take all of her pills, making the date we had been waiting on useless. Second, the fertility clinic that our agency was using in Villahermosa was not giving them the service they hoped to receive so our agency decided to work with the agency that they originally worked with in Cancun. We don't have any way of verifying this information which is a bit nerve-racking.

We keep reminding ourselves that:  all e-mails are answered within 48 hours, usually 24; everyone we met in Villahermosa was kind and seemed genuine; and last but definitely not least... that another American couple in San Diego has a successful pregnancy from using our agency.

So nerves aside, our sperm has gone on Spring Break to Cancún. We hope it ends up at our new clinic and not at Señor Frogs! Like many American children, ours will be conceived in Cancún... just under slightly different circumstances. The egg donor is supposed to be done taking her pills on July 27th. What is supposed to happen after the 27th can be seen in my last blog post. If everything goes to plan (which we accept may not happen), we should have more news around September 1st.

I will write again in August. In the meantime, thanks for your love and support.

Waiting on God and Science

I have had a few friends ask me about our "baby quest" over the last few days. There is not much to report except to say that we are relying on God and science. Tom and I (hopefully) completed our end of the creation process while we were in Villahermosa. Now we wait on our egg donor and gestational surrogates.

This from Wikipedia: "An egg retrieval procedure comprises both the egg donor's cycle and the recipient's cycle. Birth control pills are administered during the first few weeks of the egg donation process to synchronize the donor's cycle with the recipient's, followed by a series of injections which halt the normal functioning of the donor's ovaries. These injections may be self-administered on a daily basis for a period of one to three weeks. Next, follicle-stimulating hormones (FSH) are given to the donor to stimulate egg production and increases the number of mature eggs produced by the ovaries. Throughout the cycle the donor is monitored often by a physician using blood tests and ultrasound exams to determine the donor's reaction to the hormones and the progress of follicle growth.

Once the doctor decides the follicles are mature, he/she will establish the date and time for the egg retrieval procedure. Approximately 36 hours before retrieval, the donor must administer one last injection of HCG hormone to ensure that her eggs are ready to be harvested. The egg retrieval itself is a minimally invasive surgical procedure lasting 20-30 minutes, performed under sedation. A small ultrasound-guided needle is inserted through the vagina to aspirate the follicles in both ovaries, which extracts the eggs. After resting in a recovery room for an hour or two, the donor is released. Most donors resume regular activities by the next day."

Our egg donor will finish her contraceptives on Sunday, June 14. On the second day of her next menstruation she will visit our doctor and he will determine if she is ready to donate. When she finally donates, the doctor could retrieve between 8 - 40 eggs. 15 - 20 is average. The more the merrier.

This is also the time when endometrial stimulation will happen for the gestational surrogates. We hope that both of the surrogate's cycles will align with the donor's during the same month. It is possible that one surrogate may be ready and the other may need to wait another month.

So... we wait and pray.

In other news, we had a wonderful time in Villahermosa! It was great to meet the gestational surrogates and the people at the agency. The director, the interpreter, the driver, the doctor... everyone seems great.

The Journey Starts Tomorrow

Tom and I got home from our last trip together on Sunday night. We were in Pennsylvania to say goodbye to his dad and a life well lived. I spent the previous week in Iowa visiting my mom in the hospital. Even under unfortunate circumstances, Pennsylvania and Iowa were literally teeming with spring. Illness and death could not stop the brightness of fresh green grass and hot pink azaleas or cut the scent of sun-kissed lilacs or rhubarb pie.

Tomorrow night we will be catching a red-eye to Villahermosa, the capital city of the Mexican state of Tabasco, in search of a different kind of new life. We fly out of Tijuana and even though the flight isn't until 11:47 p.m., it is still technically tomorrow. We have a layover in Mexico City and we are bummed that the amount of time we have in Mexico City is not long enough to let us explore North America's largest city.

Taking the shuttle to the Tijuana Airport and flying to Villahermosa seems like a leap of faith. We don't know how our journey will end but we are willing to take a risk for the possibility of a great reward. Having children has been something that we have discussed since we first started dating and it seemed like a distant possibility, more like a daydream, really. Now, almost four years after those discussions started, we find ourselves on the brink of something momentous.

There is no need to get too graphic. I think you will all know what I mean when I say that we have to be in Mexico to "start the process." We have been told that we should find out if we have positive pregnancies within 90 days, although another couple from San Diego that used this same agency told us that they heard about their positive pregnancy in about a month.

We will not be meeting the egg donor. We chose her after sifting through dozens of pictures, profiles, and medical histories and know her as Canadian JGF. I'm not sure if we will be meeting the two gestational surrogates or not. Even if we don't meet them in person on this trip, we will have (at least) monthly Skype times for doctor's appointments and check-ups.

As we embark on our new journey we will be taking our recent experiences with us. How wonderful that Tom was able to tell his dad, before he passed away, that he would (hopefully) be a grandfather again. In true Don Custer style, he took the news in stride and made a kind-hearted joke. Through our Skype session we could see the smile on his face and in his eyes. How wonderful that my mom has another incentive to heal and give all that she can to her physical therapy. In true Mary Stender fashion, she is already buying baby clothes. My dad is looking forward to the prospect of more Stenders, even if that means Stender-Custers!

It is our hope that if it is God's will, and with the help of your prayers, that our time in Villahermosa will be fruitful. As Christians we believe in the power of resurrection and that Christ will make all things new. May the growth of the Stender-Custers be as persistent as spring in Cass County or the Delaware Valley.

How Two Guys and Four Cats Hope to Become A Family of More

Tom and I were married on August 2, 2014. We have thoroughly enjoyed our time as newlyweds. In some ways, our relationship has not changed much since we were married. On the other hand, the spiritual covenant and legal status we received that day have changed our sense of being in ways that were not all together expected.

The love that we have for each other and the life that we lead, along with four cats, in our little house perched on a hill in San Diego is all that anyone could ask for. We have meaningful relationships with our Custer Family on the East Coast, our Stender Family in the Midwest, and our Hubbard Family on the West Coast. We are surrounded by friends, old and new, tangible and cyber, and are blessed to be a part of a loving church community.

As many newlyweds often do, we have decided to try to expand our family. Tom and I will be flying to Mexico in May to start an international surrogacy adventure. It is our hope that in the Spring or Summer of 2016 we will welcome new Stender-Custers into the big, beautiful world.

If our lives are so complete and if our love is so real, why ask for more? For us, the answer is just an extension of the question. It is because our lives are so full of love that we feel that we have love to give to some new, unborn souls. The concept of two gay dads is old hat for some, and a novelty for others. Who will be the dad? Who will be the mom? Why not surrogacy? Why not adoption?

It is worth mentioning that straight couples may not be asked why they would choose to expand their families one way over another, as much as same-sex couples might be. It is also worth mentioning, that those questions (at least so far) seem completely normal and legitimate. If it were a friend of mine, I would be curious too!

So here is our attempt to answer a few questions, right off the bat.

1. Who will be the dad? We both will. It is possible that Tom might be genetically related to a new bundle of joy and it is also possible that I might be genetically related to a new bundle of joy. The genetics of any future children won't be a secret (have you seen us?!) but they will also be irrelevant. There will be two dads.

2. Who will be the mom? There actually won't be a mom (unless you count me!). An egg donor will donate her eggs and a gestational carrier will, God willing, bring them to term.

3. Why surrogacy over adoption? We have come to realize that this is a deeply personal question and one that many people feel very strongly about. As mentioned above, we do not believe that genetics determine relationship. For us, we decided on surrogacy for what we think is a very practical reason. Neither of us are getting any younger and surrogacy (is sometimes) a shorter process than adoption.

Now that we've answered some practical questions, I think that there is still one big question that needs to be answered...

4.  Why have you decided to share your experience so openly? My friend Melissa always cautions the rest of our girlfriends not to tell too many people too soon when they get a positive pregnancy because there is always a chance that joy can turn into sorrow. I actually think that this is good advice. But we will be flying to Mexico next month and don't want to (a) be coy or (b) fly covertly under everyone's noses. We realize that what Melissa cautions is just as relevant for us as it is for any couple trying to conceive.

Our joy, too, could easily turn into sorrow, which leads to the main reason to share our adventure with all of you:  we believe in the power of prayer. Please pray for our journey, our egg donor, our gestational carriers, and our doctors!

I hope to update this blog at least monthly. The cats can't wait to have new friends!