We were so naive when we had our first embryo transfer. "One, two, three, or four babies?" was our question. "Zero," was our answer. We have done so much more mental preparation this time around. We have prayed for acceptance. That being said, I will admit that even though I know that bargaining with God is not theologically sound, I still promised that one positive result is all I would need. I assured Jesus that I would not be greedy.
We woke up on December 14 and immediately e-mailed our surrogacy agency.
"Good morning! Today is a really big day for us. We will either be very happy or very sad. Please send us our test results as soon as possible. Thanks so much, Tom and John"
Four of our embryos were transferred on December 3. Two with Tom's genes were transferred into our surrogate, Maria Antonia, and two with my genes were transferred into our other surrogate, Natividad. We got an e-mail back letting us know that we should have our results around 6:00 p.m. Mexico time (4:00 p.m. Pacific time.) We tried to keep our minds occupied but it was hard to focus on anything but the impending e-mail.
Around 3:00 p.m. Pacific we received an e-mail from Lu, the international coordinator, letting us know that we would have to wait until the next morning for the results. She just talked to the doctor and there had been "technical difficulties" at the lab. She hoped we understood. I wrote back immediately and said that I did not understand and that I needed an explanation. What is the meaning of "technical difficulty?" I'm usually a bit more even-keeled when it comes to things like this, but it was Tom who was sending understanding and thankful e-mail responses. I couldn't handle it. I needed an explanation! (Sorry Lu!)
Lu explained that she couldn't reach the doctor but she gave me his number and said that I could try to call him. Hmm. Okay. Well. Hmm. Yes. Okay, what did I have to lose? I dialed the international code and then dialed the number. "Hola?" I froze. "Inglese?" I said. "No," he said. "Clinica?," I asked. "Si," the voice on the other end replied.
Oh my.
I inputted what I wanted to say into Google translate and tried to read it aloud into the phone. Finally, the voice on the other end of the phone said, "speak slow in English." (The doctor's English, it turns out, is pretty wonderful.) I explained who we were and he asked me to WhatsApp him my e-mail address so he could send me the results as soon as they came in. I remembered to ask about the delay. "What is the technical difficulty," I asked. "Slow. The lab is slow today," he said.
Perfect! I understand a delay. "Slow" sounds much more reasonable than "technical difficulty!"
We made contact on WhatsApp and then I waited. We were supposed to attend a party but I couldn't do it. I kept staring at my computer, willing an e-mail to appear. At 7:39 p.m. I finally WhatsApp'd the doctor again. "Any news yet?"
"Yes. I have results. Unfortunately was negative. I'm sorry," he said.
Oh no. This was our second try. And it was another negative. Why was this happening?
"For both?" I texted. "Two women?"
"Surrogate Natividad," he typed. "Who is name of other surrogate?"
"Maria Antonia," I said. There was still hope.
Okay. We still have a chance. Tom didn't even know I was texting the doctor. It is 7:45. Tom was putting together some supper in the kitchen. I'm waiting. I'm waiting. "One moment please," the doctor writes. Should I tell Tom I'm waiting? Should I just hear the news first and let him down easily? I tell him. "Mine is negative. We are waiting on yours." Tom emerges from the kitchen and sits down next to me on the couch. We wait for the response.
"The result is positive. Congratulations."
I have never loved emojis more in my life.
Tom and I hug. I can't explain our emotion. We were, and are, full of intense joy. We are going to be dads! We also just lost any immediate opportunity for me to be a biological parent. I truly think God will forgive us a small part of human emotion that can grieve for one thing while simultaneously being SO CRAZY HAPPY about something else.
The IVF mommy-blogs call the period in between the transfer and the results, the 2ww (the two week wait.) This is a time full of anxiety. On one level, we get to be part of an almost universal human experience: waiting for new life. On another level, we belong to a smaller and less universal club. This club involves investing emotional and significant financial resources. In this club, one cycle or "try" may realistically be the only chance you get.
That's why I pulled out all of the stops. I followed the Roman and Episcopal calendars and prayed to Francis Xavier, John of Damascus, Clement of Alexandria, Nicholas, Ambrose, The Immaculate Conception, Juan Diego, Karl Barth, Thomas Merton, Damasus, Our Lady of Guadalupe, Lucy, and John of the Cross on their respective days. I prayed to other favorite saints and angels and ancestors for intercession. I'm sure Tom's parents and my grandmas were very happy to help out!
We lit our menorah. "Blessed are You, Lord our G-d, King of the universe, who performed miracles for our ancestors in those days, at this time." That was very comforting. Please bring us a Hanukkah miracle!
We lit our Advent wreath and these are the words that I found most comforting. I know they will stay with us forever:
"Creative God, breath of all life
Through whom all things
are created and sustained;
all sons and daughters
flocks and herds,
all birds of the air
and fish of the sea
You walked this earth
as child and Creator
You touched the soil
quenched your thirst
embraced this world
brought life and light
love and laughter
into dark and death-filled lives
Creative God, breath of all life
Through whom all things
are created and sustained
We bring to you our sacrifice
of a contrite and willing heart"
Final thoughts: Thank you for all of your support. We realize that first trimesters and all trimesters come with risk. We understand that one hurdle leads to another. As the doctor mentioned, our HCG levels are very high. Some say that indicates twins. Others say not much can be gleaned from that information. Who knows? Maybe another hurdle. He also mentioned that we will reevaluate in ten days. Time will tell. We wanted you to share in the joy and hope of this moment. Again, we wait. I think we may just love Advent (and Hanukkah!) in a different way for the rest of our lives.
I know that bargaining with God didn't make this happen but I do think that talking with God made the wait easier. We are so thankful for the spark of life that God has given to us and for our surrogate for being so kind to keep it safe for us.
